I am deep into writing another historical romance (the other? The Fire, but surely you know that by now, ok, it’s actually historical erotic romance). But this isn't what my blog is about today. It's about penises.

Manroot. Cock. Dick. Manhood. Shaft. Wiener. Baloney Pony. Dinky. Bone Phone.

Although the list is not endless, it is vast. Let’s not get distracted. I'm here to discuss my latest favourite cage match.

Dick vs. Cock One of the reasons I love to write historical is a) I love the potential for opulence in historicals and b) I hate constantly having to find plausible variations for penis and vagina.

While musing, yesterday, synonyms for Sir Whatshisname’s schwinghammer I realized that women just don’t say the word “dick”. We might call someone a “dick” but we don’t generally refer to a tallywhacker as a “dick”. I took this survey to the streets.

Findings In a totally unscientific survey of random friends and family I found:
·    100% response rate from women that they don’t use “dick” to refer to a man’s Johnson.

·    100% response rate from men that they do use “dick” to refer to their winkies.

So my new question was formed: in Romance, I have never EVER seen the word “dick” used. I have seen cock. In Erotica, I did some surveying, as best I could and I found two authors who DID use “dick” (as well as “slit” which personally makes me cringe) and it made me wonder: were these authors actually men and didn’t know a woman’s secret world? Or did people beyond my reach use “dick” and I just missed it? And were these stories written for a male audience? Was I overanalyzing? Did I have too much time on my hands? I wondered, too, why words like “panties”, “slit”, and “gash” also make me cringe. I confess I’m still working on this and the topic will have to keep for another blog.

I ask for an obvious reason: I write historical but I also write romance, erotica, “erotic romance” (whatever), and I need to use cock constantly. In my last two erotica stories (published on the lovely Lady Cheeky’s site: In the Library and At the Office, I stick to cock exclusively.

Manroot, manhood, shaft, head, etc in the historical world give me some variety, however amusing, without a cringe-factor. Contemporary romance depresses me because it’s cock cock cock or, bizarrely “him” as in “she held him in her hand” or “she guided him into her passage” etc making one desperately want to open a debate of ontology vs physiology. In brief, I could choke on all the cock I write in a contemporary. I am not the type or writer to avoid writing out the sex scenes although many do, in all subgenres. Sometimes I think I know why: it’s the vocabulary.

I asked my friends which words they did use to refer to their partners’ doohickey. This is what I got back:
·    “Thing”
·    “Little Brian” (Joe, Steve.. you get the idea)
·    “Purple-veined Monster of Delight” (ok, that was mine)
·    “Cock” (said in undertones)
·    “Penis”

I asked them what they used when they talked dirty. Most of them cringed then replied:
·    “Cock”

Talking Dirty Know what else was universal? Discomfort with dirty talk. That actually didn’t surprise me. It’s called “talking dirty” for a reason. When we watch porn the dialogue can get pretty funny. I’ve seen more than my fair share and now watch it analytically more than anything.

I know several of my friends watch porn because either a) they enjoy it or b) they don’t want their partners to watch it alone. The dialogue, they tell me, is not realistic. And why should it be? It’s fantasy. Is the dialogue any more real in a so-called chick flick? Not really.

My friends tell me they simply don’t know what to say when their partners ask for dirty talk. They have little to draw on and feel almost stupid saying things like “fill me with your big dingus” or “my honey oven overflows with my desire” (ok, that’s me again). You get the idea. They feel stupid saying something which isn’t natural to them.

For some women, talking dirty is a very comfortable thing. I wonder if it has anything to do with our comfort level with just, in general, referring to our genitalia. Most of us have been raised on euphemisms. In fact, in our house (VERY Catholic) we didn’t refer to our parts at all. Not one bit. Ever. I never had “the talk” from my Mum. If it hadn’t been for Judy Blume I would have been in serious trouble. I actually had a doctor’s appointment once and gestured to my womanly bits with a downward glance and a serious of pointed head nods. No. Really. That was before therapy.

But it does mean that there are lot of us writers out there trying to decide which words to use when we write “scenes”.

Dick vs. Cock So I have come to the following conclusion, and I know there are many of you out there who will disagree: “dick” is a man’s word whereas “cock” is universal. Why “dick” doesn’t seem to be a woman’s word is beyond me except to say I prefer the word “cock” but overall, I will stick to historicals when I can so I can use my personal favourite:

Love lance

En garde!

From At the Swingers Party, Neurotica (erotica for the insecure) Version, in which the female protagonist muses on her first trip to a swingers party, post-divorce.

I secretly always wanted my ex to let us have a threesome but it was too wild for him and I never got the nerve up to ask anyway because I was afraid he’d think I were a lesbian which is not to say anything against lesbians although my mother would die if I were one which I’m totally not. Once she said she would be ok if one of us kids were gay but since we were all safely married with opposite-sex partners it was kind of a throwaway line. I don’t know why she even bothered really. I’m glad I am wearing a sports bra kinda of thing though in case we do get naked so you can’t see the strap marks I always get. I get a bit back-boobish so the sports bra is good for hiding all kinds of faults even if it’s not sexy, it really will serve its purpose. I kinda hope we do it in the dark anyway because my husband and I always did which was fine by me because I think soft and squishy feels better than it looks.

There are so many wonderful authors who post excerpts of published works, as well as works-in-progress, for Six Sentence Sunday. Please find them here!

The first six lines from my recently published novella The Coach House.

Unless there was some Tall Dark and Handsome silently breaking into women’s homes, making thoughtful and passionate love to them, then quickly disappearing, Carys had been having an erotic dream. And from a purely analytic perspective, Carys knew that some unidentified and sexually sophisticated man could not possibly have seduced her twice that night in her sleep as she lay next to her snoring but otherwise comatose fiancé. Nonetheless she rose from the bed to take a shower in the wee hours, scanning her nude body carefully in the full-length mirror behind the bathroom door but finding no love bites or any other incriminating evidence. Obviously she had been dreaming. She slipped carefully back into bed with heavily snoring Steve, whom she had not seen naked (not that either complained) in five years.

It certainly hadn’t been Steve.


So many wonderful writers participate in Six Sentence Sunday. Please find more of them here!

From my Neurotica Story: Going to the Swingers Party.

My friend Jill said it was time for a change. The problem is I have no idea what non-vanilla sex really is. I mean, I’m kind of open to new experiences intellectually but to actually go and do something about it is so beyond my cognition. I am sure it would be fun to get off my back for a change but then what? Do I really want some guy I hardly know looking at my gelatinous bum or seeing my face sag over him as I ride him, assuming my trick knee doesn't give out first? Kinda makes sense, really, to stay on your back because gravity is just so much gentler although it does drop my boobs under my armpits which is totally preventable as long as I remember to keep my arms to my sides to hold my cleavage together.

Welcome to Six Sentence Sunday. You can find links to nearly 200 writers who will be posting six sentences from their work here.